Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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