atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
