i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
