i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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