Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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