So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
