i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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