I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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