i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
