I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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