just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
