On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i think my mom watched the whole time
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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