Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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