I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
