i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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