I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
