Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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