checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
