i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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