I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
