Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
