I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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