K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize