So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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