somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
