apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
