i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
