i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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