I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
