He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
