I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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