I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
