I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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