Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
