She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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