My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
