Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
