she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
