I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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