Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
