The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
