We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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