I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
