I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
not ubering you a puppy
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
