Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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