And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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