You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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