I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
