My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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