to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
