fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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