I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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