i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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