Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
