If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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