Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
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