i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
